Matthew A. Gilbert, MBA Presents "Doctorious: My Adventures in Education"

With graduation ceremonies in full bloom this time of year I felt inspired to resurrect a satirical commencement speech I wrote in 1997, following a year of working surviving in the corporate world after completing my BA in English from UC Santa Barbara

I initially intended to publish it as an open letter in the Daily Nexus, the campus newspaper, but the editor refused to indulge my need to have an alter ego as the author (for mildly comic purposes) and so I digitally filed it away, presumably never to be seen again. However, with the advent of this blog, it seemed like a perfect medium through which to share it.

Impressively, eleven years later, it still seems accurate (and is hopefully still even just a little bit funny). Note that my use of parenthesis is intended to be read as pseudo-subliminal elements of the speech (meaning, of course, that they are not subliminal at all). Perhaps one day I will be invited to give this speech, though for some reason I doubt that will happen!

So, you’re graduating.

You are about to make the transition from undergraduate (scourge of the academic world) to entry-level employee (scourge of the professional world) with typical, sentimental pageantry. 

You are seated in a place of honor (baking like a potato in the afternoon sun), with other proud students (functional alcoholics), as you are recognized for your scholastic achievement (pushed through the diploma gauntlet like sausage through a meat grinder). 

Your family will cry with pride, your friends will smile with happiness, and you will anxiously await the commencement of the incredible future you were promised for so many years.

Unfortunately, after a final night of Dionysian revelry, you will awaken to a strange, frightening, and unfriendly world.  A world in which you must sacrifice all you hold dear for a paycheck, a world that strips you of your youthful vigor, a world in which a truck driver is paid more than a teacher, a world in which the glass is always half-empty. 

In short, you will become that which you had hoped never to be:  your parents!

Don’t get me wrong, the real world isn’t totally unbearable, just significantly more unpleasant than I had anticipated, or should I say, led to believe.  While there is always the potential for success, it will certainly not happen overnight.  It may not even happen after ten years.  And, unlike college, there is no margin for error. 

The blessing, and curse, of the real world, is that unlike college, there is no schedule to follow, and no way to know if you are around the corner from success, or if you have a long way to go.
However, it never hurts to have a little inside information to help you deal with the slings and arrows of reality. 

Therefore, in an effort to provide a public service to the thousands of soon-to-be college graduates, I thought it may be interesting, or at the very least, mildly amusing, to compare the Pros of graduation with the Cons of the real world.

Pro:  Income. Without a doubt this is the most alluring benefit to graduation.  After years of surviving on Macaroni and Cheese, an entire world of material possessions await your purchase.  You can pay your own way and make your own rules.

Con:  Expenses. Unfortunately, once you subtract a retirement contribution; medical co-payment; supplemental insurance; and state, federal, and local taxes, you will be left with very little of an already minimal salary.  Don’t forget cost of living expenses, car payments, car insurance payments, gas, credit card debt, and other seemingly insignificant expenditures.  You will soon find yourself left with barely enough money to buy a couple of ties, a package of undershirts, and some dental floss!

Pro:  You will no longer be crammed into tiny classrooms with smelly, annoying people. You would think that for the high price of tuition, a university could provide adequate classroom facilities.  Not surprisingly, this is not the case.  I can’t count the number of times I was forced to share a room built for 100 people with 150 or more (not including dogs, skateboards, bikes, and other obstacles).  Luckily, after graduation, you will finally rid yourself of these hideous conditions…or so you would think.

Con:  You will be crammed into a tiny cubicle with smelly, annoying people. Welcome to Cubeland!  Please keep your hands and feet within the box at all times, and prepare to speak in a muffled hush for what may feel like the next millennium.  You will be surrounded by fuzzy, four-foot high “walls” that wobble when you sneeze, and amplify anything you may attempt to whisper into your phone or to a co-worker.  Also, don’t be surprised if your phone calls, computer usage, and innermost thoughts, are monitored.

Pro:  No more wasted time. How many hours did you waste sitting in a miniature desk, forced to intellectually interact with responseless, disinterested people, whose idea of learning was to sample different brands of beer during class? How many Teaching Assistants did you have to tolerate as they droned on about the Jacobins and the Girondins or, if you were lucky, something called the “homosocial circle?”  How many times was your almost perfect schedule demolished when you were forced to enroll in a section that was only offered whenever you wouldn’t take it?  Well, graduate, time is now on your side.

Con:  More wasted time. All right, so I lied.  Before you finish your first month of entry-level employment, you will likely have spent what seems like weeks in meetings.  Again, as was the case during your undergraduate years, you will be surrounded by responseless, disinterested people, whose idea of learning was to sample different brands of cream cheese on their bagels at the weekly department meeting. And, instead of listening to a Teaching Assistant, you will be forced to endure lengthy speeches from your supervisor about teamwork, synergy and, who can forget, having a sense of urgency!  Start practicing how to daydream while appearing awake and interested.

Pro:  No more collegiate political correctness. During your undergraduate years you were coerced into replacing your standard language with an entirely revised vocabulary.  Let’s call it Unibonics (Political Correctness).  You were forced to intellectually regurgitate empty words and phrases like cultural diversity, affirmative action, colonial imperialism, destructive consumption, capitalist oppression, words ending in “ism” and “geny,” and how could you forget, phallus.  Thankfully, once you spin the tassel, you can truly expand your mind and cleanse the doors of perception.

Con:  More corporate political correctness. Okay, I lied again (get used to it).  It is a sad reality that in our excessively litigious society we are no longer free to think, behave, act, or even ponder as we desire.  And what is the evil word that brought about this Orwellian nightmare?  LIABILITY.  In response to this litigation fascination, you will be subjected to a barrage of rules and regulations.  Everything from “sexual harassment” policies, to dress code standards that would make Mr. Blackwell proud.  Don’t trust anyone, and remember, if there’s no proof, deny everything.

Pro:  No more obnoxious professors and university employees. How many times have you paitently waited at a university office to settle a dispute, only to be turned away because the clock has struck twelve?  How many times has a professor treated you like an intellectual inferior, when it is you (or perhaps, your parents) who pay his or her graciously tenured salary?  How many times have the Parking Police cited you unjustly, or just rudely?  Fortunately, after graduation, you can blow a kiss goodbye to these insensitive buffoons.

Con:  More obnoxious supervisors, managers and vice presidents. Once you don your corporate monkey suit, you will quickly become the target of incredibly sadistic superiors.  While you may work with some great people, and may even get along with your superior, never forget, that when it comes to performance reviews, disciplinary action, or other work related issues, your Supervisor is still your Supervisor.  Sure, you can analyze Milton and Shakespeare, but don’t be surprised if you wind up writing memos for Vice Presidents that have never heard of a computer.  Prepare for war!

Pro:  No more academic sycophantic antics. Hopefully you have realized that your undergraduate experience was not about learning anything new, or challenging your professors.  From midterms to finals, term papers to homework assignments, it is made clear that your main purpose is to massage the egos of your professors and TAs.  Most professors demand total submission to their ideas, beliefs, and interpretations.  Contradicting them almost certainly results in a low, or non-passing grade.  Not surprisingly, most college graduates have never conveived an original thought.
 

Con:  More corporate sycophantic antics. As you enter the real world, you will rapidly descend from the noble perch of intellectual investigation to the entirely insipid nadir of utilitarian unrest.  You will loose the ability to develop independent, creative thoughts, and will instead concern yourself with such trivial necessities as dry-cleaning, commuting, Day Planners, project timelines, voice mail, dry-erase boards, life insurance, and the like. As much as you would like to pursue personal projects during any free time, you will soon discover that you are perfectly content watching television talk shows, the home shopping network, and other senseless dribble.

Despite the pervasive cynicism of this tirade, my intention is not to submerge your spirits into a Nietzsche-like coma.  Rather, as a result of the (hopefully humorous, yet boldly truthful) content, it is my hope that you won’t feel as utterly confused as was I. 

Of course, someone could rightfully object to my argument.  Afterall, if we graduated and immediately moved into the corner office, making $80,000 per year, what would we have to work towards?  Not much. 

Yet, I would not entirely disagree with this viewpoint.  I am now, and have always been a supporter of a strong work ethic. You must work for success.  After four (maybe more) years of undergraduate toil, I am sure these are the last words you want to hear.  But, despite the Pavlovian conditioning of our generation, this should not come as a surprise to you. 

We all must pay our dues, and credit cards are not accepted.  But, this doesn’t mean you have to enjoy the experience.

This does not mean that I ignore the occasionally overwhelming events that surround me, and consider them all “character building experiences”.  It is as equally important to see the truth for what it really is, just as it is essential to always dream for more.  Complacency is the death knell of humanity. 

For as Gerry Spence, world-renknowned author, lawyer, and defender of the unpopular, so eloquently stated several years ago, “question authority at all times.  Never take anything for granted–especially freedom.  Question religion, the law, yourself, your belief systems.  Find ways to control the corporate monster that is out there and the government that is part of the corporate monster.”

If there is anything your time in college has taught you, it should have been to do just that.  Continually question, and never be afraid to uncover the truth.  Lies should be the explicit domain of politicians.  Now, get the hell out of here and give the world a swift kick in the you know where!